Countdown to Sixty

It's March 15th, exactly one month until I turn 60 years old. Here's what I've been thinking about as I barrel toward this significant milestone.

On the one hand, I've outlived my oncologist's prognosis that I had 10 years to live 13 years ago.

On the other hand, does this mean I'm living on borrowed time and will soon implode or spontaneously explode?

👀

On the one hand, I'm physically strong and capable.

On the other hand, everything hurts and is stiff in ways that defy medical intervention. 

👀

On the one hand, I'm at an age that I don't stress over what people think if me.

On the other hand, it doesn't appear anyone's thinking of me.

👀

On the one hand, I'm back to living in my beloved New Mexico.

On the other hand, it might be one of the worst places to get specialty health care, like the cancer care I now need to get in Texas.

👀

On the one hand, I have such a complicated medical history that I qualified under four different categories to get my medical marijuana card.

On the other hand, there doesn't appear to be a THC for Older Dummies guide available from Amazon. How many gummies can I eat with my prune danish without overdosing?

👀

On the one hand, I have everything I need and my time maturing has cured me of chasing trends and designer labels.

On the other hand, my time maturing has reminded me of the millions of dollars and hours I wasted chasing and purchasing trends - with this bulbous pear shape no less - in the first place. I could be relaxing in my Italian villa had I not bought all those high-wasted jeans, leg warmers, and shoulder padded jackets. Which, if I still had them would be worth enough to buy that villa again! Waa!!!

👀

On the one hand, I can write whatever I want without feeling pressure to sell X copies or earn X dollars.

On the other hand, no one wants to read what this old bitty has to say.

👀

On the one hand I'm grateful for all of life's ups and downs.

On the other hand, I selfishly feel as if I've earned a few more ups. 

👀

On the one hand, Depeche Mode and Jethro Tull are still touring and making music.

On the other hand, headliners don't usually come on stage until past my bed time.

👀

On the one hand I still have my sense of humor.

On the other hand, fewer people get my jokes. What do you mean, who is Tony Bennett?

👀

On the one hand, being 60 beats the alternative.

On the other hand, am I too old for radical liposuction?

👀

I'm not freaking out that I'm turning 60 and yet I'm freaking out a little. It seems like a number solidly in the old category whereas being 50-something tracked with being vivacious and worldly. Now I'm withered and forgetful. 

I kid! Of course, I'm kidding. You knew I was kidding, right? There are plenty of super cool people in their 60s and I endeavor to be one of them. But I have questions for the psychic I've booked as part of my birthday celebration (I can hear my pals now, "do you really want to know?")

Should I change my preferred wardrobe to include a boa? The Steve Jobs black turtlenecks with a collection of boa wraps? Or do you suggest I lean into one-size-fits-all flowered caftans?

Is it time to give up on the eat-less-exercise-more formula for weight loss that hasn't worked for decades? Perhaps eat-more-care-less? 

Can I get a seniors' discount on rose-colored glasses?

Are there special grants, fellowships, awards, or gigs that recognize invisible older women? Seems like being a 60-year old woman ought to qualify one for something.

Is my brain too calcified to experiment with psychedelics? Would they throw my big butt in prison for doing so? I have a medical marijuana card if that helps smooth things over.

Will I ever find a bicycle seat that does not hurt?

What are my options if my application to donate my body to science has been rejected? I think my right lung, spinal fluid, teeth, blood, heart, liver, spleen might be worth something to someone.

I welcome your thoughts, too! Mail your advice to me at:

    Lisa Haneberg

    1234 Old Fart's Boulevard

    Apt. No One Cares

    Ghost Town, NM 00000  

Writing Humor - One Layer at a Time (a.k.a. eat your broccoli)

The process of writing something funny happens differently for every creator. Here's how it goes for me:

I get an idea. There are funny bits or at least one weird slant or detail that propels me. I decide to write a story/book/post.

The idea flutters about in my mind. Perhaps a few more funny bits emerge. I should've started writing some of this down but I don't.

I resist the drafting stage. Why? 

The rough drafts that flow from my head through my fingers and onto the screen are not funny. 

They form the foundation of the humorous thing to come, but do not look or read like the idea in my mind. I liken it to having to eat my broccoli before I can have dessert.  Rough drafts are like steamed broccoli.

The idea swirls through my head at 4 a.m. in the morning. More funny bits emerge although I've forgotten some of the funny bits I'd previously thought of. Nothing is written at this point. 

I add an appointment in my calendar to begin writing the first broccoli because relying on my "love of writing" is not working. 

It's the day and time to write the broccoli draft. I make a pot of milk oolong tea and settle into my ergonomic desk chair.

I review my Todoist to-do list and see that I haven't written a blog post for a while. I open Blogger and begin writing about writing. I assure myself this is a warm up exercise for the drafting work to be done.

I post on my blog and then share the post on Facebook. I look around for another thing to do.

Argh! 

OK, I say to myself, I'll start drafting this story. 

Once I get the boring broccoli out of my head, I begin layering funny bits and weird details. Some are the same as those I've envisioned for days/weeks, but most are different because I failed to write the initial funny bits down.

Note to self: figure out how to write more funny bits down when they occur to me.

And that's how I write humor. One layer at a time and after dozens of self-imposed delay tactics designed to avoid the broccoli.

New Book Launch! Far From Ordinary

I’m delighted to announce that Far From Ordinary: Predicaments, Misadventures, and Illuminations is now available from Amazon in print and e-book formats. Find it at Amazon here. I hope you'll pick up a copy and that you enjoy it. 

Here’s a brief description:

 

Far From Ordinary: Predicaments, Misadventures, and Illuminations is my quirky collection of essays, poems, and short stories about unpredictable adventures and misadventures. Readers of my work will recognize my passion for juxtaposing well-researched, fascinating facts and eccentric tales about awkward experiences that went seriously sideways. 

 

Adventures provide the fuel for a fulfilling life while misadventures are life's tax for playing full out. To embrace one, we must wrestle the other. Like relishing breathtaking landscapes while on a 9,400-mile solo motorcycle trip around the country and then driving at 70 mph into a screaming, horny, miles-long swarm of fat cicadas on a Chicago highway. 

 

That really happened! Imagine cicada DNA on every surface and in all orifices. 

 

Far From Ordinary is a unique book and I’m super proud of it. If you walk into a bookshop, you’ll find essay collections, poetry chapbooks, and short story collections in separate sections of the store. I know this and have blissfully ignored conventions to offer what I believe is a refreshing and entertaining reading experience. 

I know what you're thinking, dear readers. Ignoring dumb rules is par for my bratty course. Thanks for supporting my work! I hope you enjoy Far From Ordinary. 

How to Write Humor: Learning from Funny Novelists Hiaasen, Evanovich, Moore, Leonard

I will be teaching a two hour workshop on writing humor in May. It will be delivered in person in ABQ and also online - more details coming in case you'd like to register. During the workshop, I'll lead a discussion about the comedic "secret sauces" that four of my favorite writers use to write clever and unique humorous novels. As you might imagine, their approaches and results are different. And ingenious! That's four secret sauces, and I can't wait to delve into them further.

To prepare, I'll need to re-read books by each author and then select the emblematic and secret-sauce-worthy passages I will share during the workshop. 

Poor, poor, me. :-)